Good morning Chicago!
— Roquan returns
— White Sox odds
— Cubs’ Justin Steele’s run
— What are the Bulls banking on?
Likely, many of you are running around town parading over getting some of your student loans forgiven. I wish that was me, as I wish I was as pathetic and yet shameless as you.
See, guys like me, we rack up 60Gs on graduate school; we grab the institutional loans — not the federal ones — so no politician can tell us what we do or don’t owe, so we’re shielded from any “forgiveness”; and we get to work printing money and paying the good people at Heartland ECSI what they’re rightfully owed.
You saw the Biden announcement and celebrated, maybe even cried. I saw the announcement, finished my 45g-protein breakfast, and went to the money shop — my bedroom — and got back down to business.
Leave on that $10,000 for me, Joey B. You see, the Lord asked me: Whom Shall I send, who will go for us? And I told him, here am I, send me.
Everyday when I wake up, my feet hit the floor. That’s when the devil shivers. Then my fingers hit the keyboard. That’s when the Heartland ECSI folks cheer up — “the man is back at it,” they say — and when all of our foreign adversaries come to the realization that they’ll never surpass the U S of A as long as I’m hitting the floor with my feet and laying my left and right pointer fingers on F and J, respectively.
They don’t call the kid Mr. MSJ for no reason. All my friends call me that. Hell, if everyone could be Mr. Masters of Science in Journalism, everyone could write a free blog on Substack in their spare time. Not going to happen on my watch, nor is any of this handout BS.
The only handouts I take are when my roommate is making pulled pork and potato salad at 3 a.m. for god knows what reason, and he asks me if I want some of his leftovers.
When I get to the bar, I order drinks for me and all of my friends. Then when it’s their turn to return the favor, they hand me a Vegas bomb they bought for a girl that didn’t want it and I pour it out in the toilet. Fair trade? Nope. But life isn’t fair. That’s what I train myself for everyday.
I want everyone to have a financial edge on me. That way, when I open that DraftKings interface on Saturday morning and see numbers in front of me, I know it’s do or die. WhO’s tHe PuBliC beTtiNG on? If you’ve got to ask brother, you’ve already lost to yours truly.
When that auto payment hits to the loaner on the 10th of the month, I’m happy to pay the processing fee. They want $473 that month, I may even throw $500 in there for them. The whole crew is eating lunch on me that day, while they starve because the Gen Z and millenial ingrates have decided they aren’t paying back what they owe.
Not me. No, not me. The first time I ever laid hands on my father was when I found out after four years of undergraduate college that he had paid for it all. Who does that asshole think he is? That’s the first time I laid hands on him, and it won’t be the last if he tries to pay for my steak at my birthday dinner in December.
I love seeing people happy. So by all means, celebrate your winnings this weekend from the federal government. Meanwhile, I’ll be in the money shop paying off this institutional loan that has no material difference from a federal loan. But hey, that must just be me.
I’ll be happy, too, knowing that when I get done with these ass holes, Northwestern’s endowment may be $16.2 billion. That’s what I live for. Go Wildcats.
Speaking of the Wildcats. 11:30 Saturday. Are you ready? Please say yes or no here.
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If you said no, what the fuck is wrong with you? If you said yes, wrong answer!
Western Kentucky vs. Austin Peay starts at 11 a.m. on CBS Sports Network. WAKE UP, buddy. If you’re on FOX waiting for the Northwestern game to kick off in Dublin, you’ve once again already lost.
And if you’re in Dublin for the game… wooo boy. This newsletter just keeps getting more relevant to me somehow. That’s where I studied abroad, brotha!
You go up to any bartender in Ireland and tell them you know me — the kid that was screaming he, too, is Irish because his great grandparents are from there — you should get a free drink or two. There’s only two ways to be better than people in this world: the first is to have your mask on in your social media photos, but that’s relatively new. The second and age-old one is just to study abroad. Not sure how I paid for that, either, come to think about it. Dammit. I may have to give my hands a rest from the keyboard and opt for curling them up and landing them on my Dad’s red Irish forehead instead the next time I see him.
But of course we can’t bet on the Northwestern-Nebraska game legally. That is Illinois’ way of keeping things clean in the sports betting realm, despite the fact that I see Drew Brees making unfunny jokes trying to get me to bet on his shit app every other commercial throughout the year.
As previously noted, there’s nothing that I love more than giving money to the people that matter in life: Uncle Sam and higher institutions. J.B., for the love of God, just take my overzealous Northwestern money line bet. I promise the Land of Lincoln will be better for it, even if the Wildcats start 0-1. Don’t be so damn bashful.
Now, having said all of this, there are some imperative rules to get through before college football kicks off.
No. 1: Do NOT invite me over to your place to watch football if you don’t have cable. I don’t need to think the game is in the third quarter and get a text from a friend that we’ve already lost our bet. I don’t need you saying ‘I’m pretty sure YouTube TV has that channel’ as you take out your XBOX controller and start controlling the TV with it. Please, just stop. Because if you haven’t noticed, I’m already gone. I will take my watching experience elsewhere.
No. 2: If you want to shit on Iowa — my school — or anyone else’s school, that is totally fine. Fair game. Our QB does suck, I am a fucking bum… and all of that jazz. But if you’re insulating yourself by cheering for Alabama or Ohio State or some other team for no reason, or because your dad’s brother went there … Kick rocks. This applies to everyone except the good Irish Catholics of Chicago, Illinois, who are more than welcome to cheer for Notre Dame even if they didn’t go there. Culture matters here.
No. 3: If you have a parlay, I promise that you can keep it to yourself so long as you try hard enough to control that pee-brain of yours. Parlays are a hell of a time, but if you hit two of them and missed on the last one, you did not “just barely” lose. It happens approximately 100,000 times in the U.S. every Saturday. That is how they build the casinos and pay for Points Bets commercials for Drew Brees to be on.
Now, for the real college football introduction. If you’re here solely for Chicago sports, I understand. Keep scrolling. But college football in Chicago is just about as good as it gets.
The season is changing, but winter is still far away. You’re on the way to get a coffee as College GameDay kicks off. There are already signs of it everywhere — a Notre Dame jersey there, a Michigan shirt there, an Iowa hat there, and a Kelly School of Business shirt there.
It’s the closest you’ll get to feeling like you’re on top of the world at about 600 feet above sea level.
In the coming years, college football will be changing a lot. Hell, it already has. And it’s most certainly not because the players are able to use their name, image and likeness to make money now.
But this year, the Big Ten will still be the Big Ten — to some extent. The SEC will still be on CBS. There will still be PAC 12 after dark.
Do not take it for granted. Because before we all know it, we will — and this is a guarantee — be telling younger generations what college football was like back in our day.
It will still be lovely, because as long as the spirit is still intact, it doesn’t matter which TV network or conference has yielded the most money over a five-year period. But before every Saturday this fall, just keep the looming shift in the back of your mind. Because it’s coming.
Leave it all out there this Saturday. And bring the same enthusiasm to Week 1 as you will when the leaves change and your favorite team has already lost to Purdue and Maryland.
I certainly will be.
In addition to a whole new slate of college football on Saturday, we will also be able to watch a Bears game in which the starters play an entire half. That was Matt Eberflus’ plan earlier this week, at least.
At this point, a tough go at it may be a good thing from a fandom perspective. The bar was low, as I wrote last week, but the mere sight of the Bears beating another team on a football field was enough to get the whole 4th Phase hot and bothered.
Every time this happens to me, I remind myself of several things, and it brings me back to reality: young QB, bottom-5 offensive line, bottom-5 skill group.
All you or I need to hear.
To me, the Bears season is basically about Fields’ development. With the above realities, though, it’s hard to develop.
So perhaps there’s a better way to evaluate this season. For some teams, it’s Super Bowl or bust. For others, it’s playoffs or bust. For the Bears, I’m really looking at it as a non-disaster vs. disaster.
One thing that could certainly keep it from being a disaster is Roquan Smith playing. As most guys without agents tend to do, he lost his battle. And Ryan Poles won his first, though it was against his own guy — probably not how he pictured it going. Smith is still under contract this year, and he also can be franchise tagged by the Bears next year.
Would it have been great, and preferred, for the Bears to have gotten a deal done before camp? Of course.
But Smith misplayed his hand at every turn here. Who knows what number he got — the speculation is $95 million, but no one knows what that means or if it’s even true. He then calls out the front office (he again called the process “distasteful” as he returned to practice the other day) and calls on the McCaskeys to intervene, all in a leaked message to NFL Network.
Less than two weeks later, he’s back at practice, because the Bears hit back.
I don’t think this will affect his play this season, but I do think it could hurt him long term. There isn’t generally a $100 million market every offseason for stand-up linebackers.
From what I’ve read, Smith and Eberflus’ relationship has not been damaged by this. That’s probably the third most important piece of this, behind getting a deal done, which is behind having the hold-in process finally over with.
Lucas Giolito finally had a good start last night. But his year-long performance, along with Michael Kopech’s reappearance on the IL, had Sox fans again bringing up Carlos Rodon.
The White Sox not extending a qualifying offer to Rodon was the most peculiar move of the offseason. What’s been the result? He has a 2.8 ERA and 1 WHIP over 147+ innings for the Giants.
What the irony is in the whole situation is that, had Rodon been signed, the White Sox would likely not have signed Johnny Cueto, who has been a savior for them this season — if you can count anyone as a savior when you’re four games back in the division.
Cueto is essentially pitching the best he has since 2016, when he was the Game 1 starter against the Cubs in the opening playoff series.
The Sox have a 20% chance of winning the division, a 12% chance of winning a Wild Card spot, and a 32% chance of making the playoffs, according to FanGraphs.
The Tuesday night loss to the Orioles was just a chef’s kiss of a 2022 White Sox game. Opponents legging out doubles on should-be singles, the Sox hitting two doubles off the top of a recently-lengthened wall, a wild pitch from Felix Bautista bouncing directly back to the catcher, and the Sox out-hitting the Orioles 11-5 but losing by two runs.
The conventional wisdom is to try to make the playoffs every year in the MLB, because once you get in, it’s a crapshoot. I’ve watched the Sox enough to know it is NOT a crapshoot for them. Even if they do make it, they’re not nearly polished, consistent, or powerful enough to win a playoff series.
They just feel immature.
Kyle Hendricks was shut down for the season this week, but I kind of forgot he was on the Cubs anyway. I hope he’s back next year and our 5th starter. And hopefully that means that the Cubs shored up a great starting rotation, and not that Hendricks is again struggling.
Marcus Stroman has been solid of late, but then had a rough start Thursday against the Cardinals. Either way, their rotation has been one of the best in baseball over a two-month period.
Justin Steele is down all the way to a 3.25 ERA. He still walks a little too much, which is the reason for his inflated 1.35ish WHIP, but his emergence has quickly become one of the three biggest positive storylines out of the North Side this year — with Nico Hoerner and prospect progress being the other two.
Over his last seven starts, he’s given up just six earned runs. That’s good enough for a 1.45 ERA. Over that time period, he’s struck out 44 and walked just 10.
Now, what the fuck is this?
I’m generally okay with this honoring-other-players shit. But Yadier Molina? What the hell are we doing here? I fucking hate Yadier Molina. Pujols terrorized us, but whatever. Molina? What an out-of-touch move.
All this did to me is make me think of what the Bulls are going to do when LeBron James retires. If they give him a single gift, I will be so pissed off. And as I am writing this, I’m realizing that’s pretty much a certainty.
I just renewed my Bulls season ticket package on Thursday and it reminded me how much of a blast last year’s season was.
The rest of the Eastern Conference has gotten better, for the most part, and the Bulls have mostly stayed the same.
That brings two things to mind. I am still holding out hope the Bulls have another move up their sleeve.
It sounds improbable, I know. But I am convinced the Bulls are picking up a shooter from the Utah Jazz, either as a third team in an eventual Donovan Mitchell trade or just straight up. If it’s not that, it’s something else.
If that is not the case, it means that the Bulls are hoping Patrick Williams is 90% of a young Kawhi Leonard this year. Based on the videos I have seen, his handle seems significantly improved.
It’s generally very dumb to evaluate Twitter videos. I have seen too many videos of Ben Simmons or Dwight Howard making jumpers to be fooled completely.
But I have seen videos of Williams working out in the offseason before. Never before has he had such a command of the ball.
The best case scenario is both of these hopes come true: that the Bulls have one more move in them before late October and that Williams takes a massive leap. (I have a bet on him to win the most improved player award).
If he does, a DeRozan-LaVine-Ball-Williams-Caruso-Vucevic rotation doesn’t sound just theoretically good, but great. A team that can contend in the playoffs.
But then again, The Athletic just reported this week that Ball’s timetable remains in question, and it’s not a certainty that he’ll be ready for opening night. Given that we’re coming up on six months of complete uncertainty, that in itself is a reason to sound the alarm.
We’ll just have to wait and see. As Darnell Mayberry put it, “With Ball, the Bulls are among the Eastern Conference elite. Without him, Chicago is ordinary.”
CFB preview section was on point. Nothing like seeing dudes rep Kelley shirts in the wild on football Saturdays.
First and foremost, great use of the quote from "Fury"! I also whole heartedly support the "Culture Matters Here" statement. You were clearly raised well.
Of course you don't remember how you afforded Trinity College in Dublin, I paid for it.
Thanks for calling out the Parlay clowns. I am tired of hearing how everybody just missed a big parlay.
Bears - Okay, we all know that the talent is down significantly, OLine is bad, Internal DLine is unknown, Wideouts are weak BUT i was so excited to see what looked to me like a well coached team who either let, or forced the other team to make all of the mistakes versus the Bears making all of them. We are all going to see how horrible a coach Nagy was. Which gives the Bears the distinction of hiring two of the worst NFL Coaches(Trestman) in known history.