I’m up at midnight watching the Cubs play the Reds still and am pissed at myself for 1. staying up to watch this shit and 2. not writing newsletters of late.
Truth be told, this whole thing with the newsletter going into the wrong tab on readers’ Gmails has really sucked the wind out of me. Readership has been down in a major way during the last few newsletters, so make sure that you’re dragging SGCTC from the ‘promotions tab’ to your inbox tab. Tell your friends to as well, or just share it with others via email, so I’m not writing into a goddamn void every week of the Bears season.
Also, get others to subscribe so we can get locked and loaded for the football season.
Bear Down. Right Now.
Bears season? Hell yeah. I’m very disappointed that not even 10,000 4th phasers will be permitted into Soldier Field this season, because that Chiefs/Texans game felt like a goddamn football game. And it felt so good. Sorry to everyone who was on the wrong side of the over/under. I was personally watching the ACC Network on my phone sweating out the Miami Florida-UAB game under because although I pay for every channel under the sun, I somehow don’t have that channel.
But I digress. I won that bet, by the way. Good rebound after I rode our armed forces to kick off the year and Navy lost to BYU by half a hundred. This country is going soft!
*Base hit for the Reds, tying run is at the plate. It’s 12:10. Why do I do this.
I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that the Bears are lining up to play football Sunday. I never thought I’d miss the preseason, but boy does it have its place. Being in tune with the cuts and how bad our starting quarterback looks against second teams is more a part of my sports calendar than I thought it was.
Every update — and I mean every update — from Bears camp has been bad. Robert Quinn is out. So is David Montgomery. Khalil Mack missed practice. Mitch Trubisky is starting even though we paid Nick Foles more money than a Good Morning America anchor to sit on the goddamn sidelines. Eddy Pineiro is on the IR so now we have a guy from Brazil as our starting kicker.
I don’t know much about Brazil other than the Amazon rainforest is apparently burning again according to the Instagram stories I shamefully have tapped through and that they play football but it’s the wrong kind. I’m sure Cairo Santos is a nice guy but the thought of being down two and hearing “and here comes Cairo” does not inspire confidence.
Furthermore, I’m sure Eddy Pineiro is a nice guy, and the blame here probably falls on me, but I just cannot stand how he looks in a uniform. So helpless, and always smiling at the wrong times. He wasn’t exactly great last year so I’m not sure we’ll miss him, it’s just that the fact that we’re going into the season with kicker and quarterback issues for, I don’t know, the 6th straight year? That bugs me. Nay, it infuriates me.
You want to know how bad my thoughts have gotten? Sometimes I wonder if we should’ve just saved money and kept that sonofabitch Cody Parkey. Speaking of Good Morning America! Yeah, nevermind.
Dan Patrick reported yesterday that Tom Brady had the Bears as one of his three finalists. I’m not sure if that timeline makes sense or if I believe it, but it’s just more bad news. The Bears training camp this year has been reminiscent of 2020 as a whole.
COVID-19. Social unrest. Bob Rohrrrrrrman dead.
Mitch is starting. No kicker. Best players out. Jimmy Graham was the best player at practice today. Good god.
The reports on the quarterback battle sounded like the Freshman B battle that I witnessed in high school. (Quick, find a way to tell them you were on the A team). Of course, I only saw when I walked over to the non-turf field to check out my lesser peers.
Hey, so and so only threw three picks today, but three were dropped. Hey, so and so fumbled the snap twice but completed a 15 yard pass.
I never heard Mitch or Foles looked good. Just that the Bears were going to make a decision soon and that the battle was an absolute dud.
Even the chatter around it was Freshman-B-esque. ‘They want to give Mitch another chance to prove himself.’ What the fuck is this? Why do the Bears sound like a girl that’s gotten cheated on three times but still wants to date her emotionally abusive boyfriend? This is the National Football League, for Christ’s sake.
If I were Allen Robinson and I was diving all over the field for errant passes without a new deal, despite everyone and their mother getting paid over the last few years, I’d be livid.
*Willson Contreras has just been killing the ball this year, man. Cubs up 8-5. Thank God for Contereras (4-4!) and Ian Happ. It’s 12:30.
All of this negativity arrives me to a point that I doubt you thought I was getting to.
Screw all the goddamn negativity. It’s okay when us Bears fans are negative. We can watch Mahomes and Watson duke it out and be pissed. But the rest of this country has made too many jokes at our expense.
ESPN, USA Today, and you-name-it are all picking the Bears to finish last in the division. 3-13? Give me a break.
You think you’re the first one to make that Ryan Pace joke when you watched the Chiefs/Texans game, man? Shut up.
I’m pissed off!
Let me get this straight, a team that went 12-4 with a last place schedule, then 8-8 with a first place schedule, is now going to win significantly less than that… why? Mitch has been as bad as physically possible, with all due respect — which is none.
Our defense is going to be awesome. Jaylon Johnson is starting, which will undoubtedly be an immediate upgrade for us. The guy was a first round talent if he was healthy, and guess what, he’s healthy. Is Eddie Goldman worth five wins?
With a third place schedule, no home fans to Boo our mentally fragile quarterback, and a revamped set of coaches on the offensive side, we’re going to come in last place in the division?
Get out of my face. And let’s go. I’m tired of us Bears fans walking around with our shoulders slouched. Moneyline the Bears this Sunday. And moneyline them the next week. Keep letting the national media tell you that we’re going to be one of the worst teams in the NFC. I love it.
Wanna know why? Because I hated the expectations last year. It doomed us from the start.
I’m far from a delusional Mitch fanboy. Sorry to all of you that are. But why are we acting like he’s just stepping in? The dude has been overthrowing receivers for three years now. If anything, that’s in our favor! The receivers know that if Mitch’s eyes get big they have to jump like they’re vertical leaping at the combine.
*Cubs win! Cubs win! Thank you Len. Cubs and Sox are in first place and the Bears play Sunday. It ain’t all bad, folks.
Our offensive line can’t get any worse. We’ve got some dudes there — just need to bring it all together. You’re telling me Juan Castillo can’t shape ‘em up a bit? That Bill Lazor can’t give Nagy a tip or two, like hey, let’s skip the T-formation on the first play of the season? Let’s run the ball more than three times in the first half?
I’m tired of the gloom and doom. The Jimmy Graham signing was hilarious. But my God, he’s better than anyone we had! So is Cole Kmet. And you remember who’s coaching them now?
My favorite hire. The guy who looks in every picture like he was just old two-a-days were outlawed and he wants to massacre someone. The guy that for sure thinks COVID-19 is a conspiracy. Our guy Clancy Barone.
He’s coached a slew of Pro Bowlers and for sure makes players do gassers until they can’t breathe. Now, if Jimmy Graham makes the Pro Bowl this year I want a statue of Barone by Lake Michigan. But even if he’s serviceable, that’s an immediate bump for our offense.
Am I missing something? Because everything I’ve just written sounds like we only need to be saying two words, followed by five words leading up to Sunday.
Bear Down.
Still Gotta Come Through Chicago.
I don’t want to hear one more bad news item this weekend. We’re going to suck down beers on Saturday, watch college football, curse the Big Ten decision makers between Jameson shots, and give out only unreasonable Bears win predictions.
I’m talking:
13-3. 12-4. 16-0, if Mitch gets his footwork right!
I’m ready for some normalcy in the world but not for Bears nation. Our normal is pissed off in a bad way. I want pissed off in a good way. I want money thrown down on the NFC North division winner and an over on that Vegas 8 wins number. I want the 4th Phase to be bullying people online who say Mitch sucks, even though he does.
The Lions? So they may be better than they have been. Jay Cutler what was that? I agree — DONNNNN’T CARE. They got a meathead coach and a quarterback who wants to find Jaylon Johnson’s hands twice on Sunday. They’ll combust once they get hit in the mouth.
The Vikings? Kirk Cousins, the biggest sissy to make $60 million since Mark Zuckerberg, doesn’t scare me. Yeah, the Vikings will be alright. But if there’s one thing you can give Matt Nagy, it’s that he owns the Vikings.
The Packers? Aaron Rodgers has been too busy crying over his ex-girlfriend and about the Packers drafting a back-up quarterback to get better this offseason. And guess what, facts are facts: he’s just been okay the last couple years. And Danica Patrick, if you think you’re going to come back to the 4th Phase after sitting in a Lambeau box the last few years, you’re sorely mistaken. You and Anthony Davis can take your bullshit Chicago heritage and shove it up each other’s backsides.
I’m not scared of anyone. We got the second oldest team in the league. Is that a good thing? Not really. Does it mean we’re all in this year, or everyone is losing their jobs? Yes it does. That includes me, because if the Bears actually do go 3-13 I am going to be an erratic, psychopathic 9-5er.
It also means we’ve got nothing to lose. So let’s stop the panic. Let’s stop the negativity. And let’s go win a football game.
Forward this. Share this. Get this goddamn email our of yours and your friends’ promotions tabs.
When the Bears win the division and the bandwagon stops to let others on, we’ll spit in their faces. And then scream STILL GOTTA COME THROUGH CHICAGO!
See you all Sunday.
Comment below:
Loved this one! Got some real good laughs out of it. SO HAPPY ITS FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!! Bear. Down.
Another great article Andrew. My comment? I think we all agree Corey Crawford is under appreciated by the NHL. I want more national and local love for Jose Abreau. Model of consistency over the years for the Sox. No off the field issues, no clubhouse issues, no media issues...just does his job (Hitting, driving in runs) year after year. Everyone, please show this guy the respect he deserves ! Another great SGCTC, keep them coming !