Still Gotta Come Through Chicago

Tweedledee and Tweedledum

Happy Friday Chicago!

As always, I first begin with an apology for my recent absence. If you’re reading this, thank you for forgiving me.

First, I was in Oklahoma, watching the Sooners kick the shit out of the soon-to-be-playoff-bound Alabama Crimson Tide (more on this in the future). And, yes, the rumors are true: my friends and I chased down Chris Fowler for a picture, and reacted like Make-A-Wish kids when he chatted us up for a couple of minutes — as we smiled and incessantly thanked him for his time.

After that, it was back to the hotel to cat nap for the boys. 28 beers in a row while screaming at each other? Not a heavy eye in the place. One meeting with an ESPN broadcaster? Time to turn the lights down and blast the AC for an hour.

ESPN broadcaster to you, that is. To me, Chris Fowler is one of the maybe five people in the world I’d ask to take a picture with me. Mission accomplished.

Coming off the high of meeting Fowler — a TV personality — I missed yet another newsletter thanks to Thanksgiving, where I begrudgingly engaged in conversation with the people who love and cherish me the most. After accosting my parents for 12 hours about forgetting details about things I told them four to five years ago, I hardly had energy left to write about more important things in life, like the Bears.

Ah, the Bears. The greatest thing about watching live sports is how unpredictable the outcomes are. The worst thing about watching the Bears is how predictable the outcomes are.

Last time I wrote to you, dear readers, the Bears were about to play the Packers. I had told myself — mentally, verbally, and through the written word in that newsletter — that the outcome would not affect my mood.

Next thing I knew, I was hugging and kissing my friends in the bar as Caleb Williams marched the Bears down the field, time and again. The girls in the group — who were explicitly not involved (or invited) into the hugging and kissing — looked on. They seemed sort of amused, sort of confused, and likely all felt a faint sense of sadness they couldn’t quite put their finger on.

In the end, we were all horseback soldiers ready to fight in World War 2. Giddy, brave, and ultimately stupid. (I was going to say like the Polish arriving to World War 2 on horseback, but that 1. may not be a true story 2. is definitely insensitive and discriminatory.)

After Cairo Santos’ field goal was blocked, I was the douche bag in the bathroom talking shop about the game while guys tried to urinate. But one question I evoked notched a 100% response rate. “Did anyone actually think that field goal was going in?”

Five or six “nos” and “nopes” immediately poured in. It reminded me of the *spoiler alert* scene in Breaking Bad, when Hank tells Walt that he’s the smartest guy he’s ever met, and he’s too dumb to realize the others made up their minds to kill him 10 minutes ago.

The fact that we even watched that field goal, imagining it may go in and the Packers may leave Chicago with a loss, is the most depressing part of it all. Like leaving out cookies for Santa every year only for your dad to house two and a half of them at Midnight.

(I’m going to be a horrible dad, all those cookies are going to go down the hatchet. “Can you stop licking the plate,” my wife says. “At least leave a crumb.”)

A large part of our life is being engaged with delusion. In fact, this part of our life requires delusion.

Every week, our owners throw out some kibble for us to gnaw on. And every week, we’re surprised that they snuck some meds in there.

And every once in a while, some real hope comes to the surface. Like Matt Eberflus being fired. Then Kevin Warren comes marching down from his failed-upward castle and starts talking. Sigh.

You free Afghanistan. You chant U.S.A, U.S.A! with your friends. Then the Taliban takes over. Then you “free” Afghanistan again. The troops leave. U.S.A! U.S.A! The same-sex kissing and hugging commences. And then the Taliban takes over again.

Now, I’m not saying Ted Phillips and Kevin Warren are the Taliban. I’m just saying if the Bears were Afghanistan, they would be the Taliban. Congrats, we got rid of the god-awful coach they hired! And congrats, here comes this moron to run the next search.

Afghanistan, concept matching, word association, transition.

Caves! Remember when we thought Bin Laden was living in a cave in Afghanistan?

A buddy texted today and said, and I quote, “Fuck yes Darnell Wright practiced today.”

I saw it a bit after he texted it, which gives you a different perspective. Fuck yes, he said, the sophomore right tackle for our 4-8 team practiced today.

Now, of course, I agree with him. We need the big boy in there protecting our quarterback.

But looking at the text, I felt like I just stumbled onto those Japanese soldiers who had been hiding out in a cave, 20 years after World War 2. Fuck yes, Darnell Wright. But the war is over, buddy, come on out of that cave. Hand over that pistol.

At some point, writing about the absurdity of Bears fandom — and Chicago sports fandom, really — is going to get tired. Maybe it already it is.

But somehow, the fandom itself never grows tired. At least not for me and you, which is the curse we’ve been dealt.

The sun will rise, and it will fall. Death, taxes, yada, yada. But I know damn well, when I go downstairs tomorrow to take my suit to the dry cleaners, my doorman will tell me that the Bears could be in the playoff hunt today if a few bounces went our way (they’re 4-8).

And, again, of course, I’m going to agree with him.

Let’s get into it.

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George McCaskey and Kevin Warren — Tweedledee and Tweedledum — got something right. They fired the worst coach in the NFL.

Did they do so in a seamless, professional way? Of course not! What are you a beggar? You want these guys to get two things right in the same day?

As Matt Eberflus is talking to the media on Friday morning, the Bears are discussing whether or not they should fire him. George McCaskey is saying “the Bears don’t do that,” about firing coaches midseason, Kevin Warren is asking George if he wants those high-top seats in the boxes of that nonexistent new stadium, and Ryan Poles is thinking what his life would be like if he never left Kansas City. Probably a lot better.

The Bears have Caleb Williams and a lot of surrounding talent. That’s why Kevin Warren says this will be the most coveted job in the NFL. Only one problem, Kevin.

You’re running the show.

Reports have surfaced this week that Jim Harbaugh wanted to coach the Bears last year, but that Kevin Warren shot it down. I believe these reports, because it was obvious to anyone who had a wider scope of this picture.

Warren is a power-hungry loser, who has jumped from job to job without ever really accomplishing anything. His latest job was as Big Ten commissioner, where he grew to dislike Harbaugh because… Harbaugh wanted to play the football season in 2020.

Warren cancelled the season, then revived it almost before it was too late. Then he signed a record-breaking TV contract for the conference that had absolutely nothing to do with him. And even then, that contract was almost voided because of how he handled it.

And all of that made him a perfect candidate for the Bears head job. We were told he was only going to be working on the stadium. Not only has he not moved an inch on the stadium (other than the seats in the boxes), but now he is meddling in who the next coach will be.

Poles wanted to fire Eberflus last season. He wasn’t allowed to. Now Poles has to sit next to Warren at these press conferences like he’s Joe Biden announcing Kamala Harris’ run for president. Sad, a little confused, and definitely not onboard with what’s about to transpire.

The Bears will only succeed if they do so in spite of themselves. And, the only way to do that — if there is a way — is through a transcendent quarterback and a good head coach. The good news is we’re halfway there.

The bad news is that the other half of the problem will be handled by Warren, who thinks he’ll end up with a statue on the lakefront one day. There’s that old adage that anyone that wants to be president isn’t qualified to be president. Warren is special — he wants to be president of the Bears, wants the power, and is totally unqualified anyway.

Good for him for achieving the American (football) Dream. Rich, arrogant, and stupid.

For one day, though, I let myself celebrate the Bears avoiding the worst-case scenario. And that was holding onto Matt Eberflus.

The Bears don’t deserve credit for making a decision literally everyone in the football world, sans my dad two weeks ago, would have agreed with. I appreciate my Dad’s contrarian nature — when everyone is thinking the same thing, no one is thinking.

They also avoided the next-worst-case scenario, however. And that would have been to fire Eberflus after the season, and let eight other teams get a head start on hiring. Now, that also assumes the Bears having a head start will help at all.

Thomas Brown is our first head coaching candidate, and I’ve actually seen plenty of enthusiasm around making our former (as of a month ago) passing game coordinator the next head coach.

To that, I say:

If the Bears fired their inept head coach after losing six games in a row, and your first instinct is to want to hire the guy who lost out on the offensive coordinator job to Shane Waldron (and on every other offensive coordinator job), we need to get you to see someone. The Bears have permanently warped your brain. It’s not your fault. But the first step is acknowledgement.

Three things on Brown. I like the guy a lot and he’s done a great job. He’s also being compared to the worst offensive playcaller I’ve witnessed up close and personal in my lifetime, next to Brian Ferentz (I love football). He’s also great at press conferences. There, though, he’s being compared to Matt Eberflus, who speaks as though he’s just been caught cheating on his wife and is trying to explain himself.

She was just sitting there, right, and I saw her, right. Love you, right? Falls on me. Gotta execute. Onto next week, honey? Right?

I’ve also been told Brown is the next Mike Tomlin, which just has to be at least slightly racist. But, for the sake of argument, even if he was, Tomlin took over for Bill Cowher… as the coach of the Steelers. Not exactly an apples-to-apples situation.

I don’t want to spend 3,000 words on the next coach, as we’ll have many months to mull this over.

But I will lay out my general thoughts. Those are pretty simple: I want Mike Vrabel or Ben Johnson.

Broadly, Vrabel was one of the best coaches in the NFL. Every year, his team outperformed. He outcoached Belichick. He outcoached Reid. The only reason he doesn’t have a job is because of a power struggle with the new Titans GM. And that… is why the Bears probably won’t hire him.

I prefer Vrabel over Johnson only because I have seen Vrabel as a head coach. He runs a smooth operation. He hires well. He commands respect, from the media and his players. He’s a mix between a “leader-of-men” guy and a coach who knows how to outsmart his opponents. Frankly, I think Dan Campbell is a poor man’s Mike Vrabel.

Johnson will likely succeed as a head coach, and I think he could succeed here. But that’s just what I think. He’s a home-run hire in 25 other cities, and unfortunately, I have to feel queasy about his prospects here because of our organizational setup.

Having said that, I would be happy to have him.

Let’s face it, too. The Bears generally are pretty easy to predict.

Lovie Smith, defensive guy. Marc Trestman, offensive guy. John Fox, defensive guy. Matt Nagy, offensive guy. Matt Eberflus, defensive guy. We always need what we allegedly didn’t have with the last guy.

The best head coaches, for the most part, are generalists. You forget what kind of coordinator they were before becoming a head coach. In my mind, that’s where Vrabel is.

Eberflus was never in charge of the whole operation. He didn’t know what Waldron was doing, because he had no involvement in the offense. That’s not a sustainable approach, unless you’re Andy Reid with Steve Spagnuolo on the other side of the ball.

My point is basically this: I don’t need Johnson coming in with an unbelievable offensive plan, and then “losing the locker room” four games in. I just can’t have that.

But Johnson is the best of the offensive bunch. Kliff Kingsbury was a god-awful head coach, and there’s no real evidence to suggest his offense is durable enough to last 12-18 weeks.

The same goes for almost any other candidate.

As for the rumors around a trade for a head coach, I have no confidence the Bears will 1. be willing to do that 2. be able to pull it off.

My answer on whether I’d want Kyle Shanahan for draft capital? Of course I would. Sign me up. I don’t think the 49ers would ever do that, in a million years. If I give it too much thought, I’ll get excited, so I won’t — for now.

The reality is that the Bears do have the opportunity to be a top team in the NFL over the next eight years. Warren is right when he says this hire is one of the biggest decisions the Bears will make this century. If they get it wrong, we’ll essentially blow the best chance of our lifetimes (unless you’re old enough to remember ‘85, lucky bastard).

And that’s the case because Caleb Williams is who we thought he was. Throughout it all, I never wavered. Forget not throwing picks. Forget the game-winning drives that ended up not being game-winning. Forget the holy-shit throws every single week.

The guy just keeps coming, and coming.

The Bulls are like the Bears. They have no direction, they have no idea how to win. But every once in a while, a player is good enough to overcome that. Jordan. Rose.

I’m not calling Williams Michael Jordan, but I am saying that he is our key out of the darkness. Now, we just need to turn that key — and that’s the coaching hire.

Unfortunately, tweedledee and tweedledum are tasked with turning that key. George McCaskey and Kevin Warren, fail upward one more time for me.

Or, get out of the way, and let your general manager do what he was paid to do.

George McCaskey and Kevin Warren at Halas Hall this week, addressing the media.

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It’s sad that we’re at Week 14 and there’s no football to be analyzed, nothing to write about that is worth much.

I’d like to be breaking down passing charts right now and run-block win rates. I’d love to be arguing that Terrell Smith may be better than Tyrique Stevenson after all — that Caleb is turning in the best Bears QB season since Y in his rookie year.

But, nevertheless.

The only goal from here on out is to keep Caleb playing well, and to keep him healthy. Well, not the only goal.

I want Darnell Wright to succeed (Fuck yes), for Braxton Jones to stay on his feet. I want D.J. Moore to continue to flourish, and for Rome Odunze to find his footing. I want to fight with Philly fans about how I’d rather have Gervon Dexter Sr. than that scumbag Jalen Carter.

All of this makes the Bears worth watching, but then again, we were going to watch anyway.

Can Caleb make Kyle Shanahan blush this weekend? This could be the start of something. Stop. Stop. Nevermind.

What really matters is that I can cheer for the Bears to win again, without the worry of Eberflus saving his job. I always cheer for the Bears to win, to be clear, but now I can do so without wincing.

The more games you lose the higher the draft pick you get. I realize this. But the more you lose, the more it chips away at your soul. And I can’t let our beautiful QB lose any of that soul, that competitive, unbelievable soul that was so maligned before this year.

#BEARDOWN

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Other Musings

The Blackhawks fired Luke Richardson after an 8-16-2 start to the season.

Over the last 13 months, the Cubs, Sox, Blackhawks and Bears have all fired their coaches.

I don’t have the authority to speak on the Richardson firing, I haven’t watched a Blackhawks game all year.

What should be troubling to the Blackhawks, Bulls, Sox and the Chicago Sports Network is that I don’t have the authority to write about the Bulls yet either.

I’ve watched at least a part of 95% of all Bulls games over the last five years. I’ve watched all of about 90% of those, I’d imagine.

This year? I’ve watched maybe four full Bulls games. Originally, there was no way to watch them without DirectTV. I streamed illegally. Weeks after the Bulls and the Blackhawks started their seasons, the morons at Chicago Sports Network finally rolled out a direct-to-consumer option.

At that point, it seemed too late. I already pay $30 per month for Marquee Sports Network, which pisses me off. Now I’m going to pay $30 to watch the Bulls, too?

I spend money without a thought, nearly every day. I don’t look for deals and I don’t think twice before purchasing good and services I don’t need.

But this is both cumbersome and personal. If I want to watch the Bulls, I have to pay $20 or $30 per month. All for hapless team that doesn’t care about their fans, and refuses to spend more to compete. I also have to bring that up on my computer, and then cast that to my television. I can’t use either screen for another purpose during the entirety of that broadcast.

I’ll eventually cave when football leaves my side.

For now, the Bulls losing me as a regular viewer is about as damning of a sign as the whole braintrust over there could receive. But they won’t listen.

LETS GO BULLS!

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Thank you for coming back to read another newsletter after the hiatus. I appreciate it, as always! I won’t encourage sharing today, I don’t deserve it. But comment below.