Still Gotta Come Through Chicago

The Bears Schedule is Here

Happy Friday Chicago!

The Bears schedule is out, and real Football Heads know that it means next to nothing. Outside of one or two teams, everyone in the league is different from one year to the next. It’s hard to say who has a tough schedule and who has an easy one based on opponents alone.

But that’s why I’m not a real Football Head, and don’t spend my time arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s the best WR3 in the league, or telling people that the game should be played in domes to take away weather-related factors.

Instead, I like to argue with real people in real life, in their faces, so hard that it kind of makes the rest of the night awkward. And I like my December games freezing.

The best way to go through the NFL schedule is as follows.

Have you friend read down the 18 weeks — just opponents and home or away.

That’s when you let your brain go to work. There’s two answers to every question: “Dub,” (win) or “that’s gonna be a tough game” (loss). Every once in a while, you’ve got to commit to a plan for no reason five months out with a, “OOOoo should we do Sunday Funday that day?”

That’s about as good of an antidote to a bad mood as you’ll find. Just make sure you adjust for fan inflation afterward and take away two wins from the 15-2 mark you just gave your favorite team, a team that hasn’t won 13 games in almost two decades.

A full breakdown of an NFL schedule in May is for absolute morons, which is why I’ll do just that in the Bears section below.

Now is the sweet spot for optimism. No injuries, no coaching malpractice, no next game to worry about. From May to at least August, we get to live in the hypothetical, my favorite place to be in the world.

Asking your friends how much money it would take them to drink 10 beers on the Sunday after a getaway bender, or how much money it would take for them to tattoo their least favorite politicians on their chests, is only rivaled by the hypothetical riffing on the endless possibilities awaiting a Bears team you’re excited about.

In the hypothetical stretch of the calendar, it’s imperative to get your mind right and your affairs in order. I’ve got a bi-weekly timer set to email my grandma and grandpa about absolute nonsense going on in the world. If you’ve got a friend you haven’t seen in a while because you don’t really like them but they just think it’s been a long time and life got crazy, get that beer with them now. Get that body in check so you can destroy it in the Fall and nonsensically blame it on football.

I’m hiring a new Strength and Conditioning Coordinator for the summer, and putting a graphic up on Twitter to announce it. The new hire is ME, and I’ll be plopping that on the resume — strength and conditioning coach for myself. I’m going to pay him just a little bit less than I make so I can make sure that my bets in the fall feel a little bit more do-or-die.

Mostly, we’re going to sit and watch 14-minute YouTube videos on “Bulletproofing Your Low Back” and try not to cry.

Don’t say you can’t wait for football season, even if you can’t.

Right now is the good stuff. Enjoy the warm weather, enjoy what could be in the fall, enjoy those little street fests that you’re supposed to say you like but really suck ass, and hang tight. It’ll be here in a flash, anyway.

Let’s go.

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Let’s take this schedule for a spin, shall we? We’ll follow the above criteria: DUB (Win) and that’s going to be a tough game (Loss going to be a tough one).

Week 1: First of all, I love starting the season off with the bread-and-butter game time. Don’t make me wait all day to watch the Bears right out of the gate. A FOX nooner is just what the doctor ordered.

And the Doc also ordered another prescription: DUB.

1-0

Week 2: Houston is basically going for it all this year. A Sunday Night road game will have an insane lead up for our 1-0 Bears, but I ultimately think this one will be a tough one.

1-1

Week 3: I can’t really explain this well, but Week 3 always feels weird to me. You generally have no idea how good your team is, and they always seem to be playing a non-divisional opponent. And these Week 3 road games never go well. Shane Steichen runs circles around Matt Eberflus in this one. A tough game, for certain.

1-2

Week 4: The Week 1 win was eked out, but this is where the Bears offense begins to hum. I’m talking “Is Caleb Williams Already The Best Bears QB Ever?” and “DJ Moore Is The NFL’s Best Receiver No One’s Talking About” think pieces in the week after. DUB.

2-2

Week 5: Carolina. Hahaha. Ohhh, Carolina. Love ya guys. DUB!

3-2

Week 6: European games absolutely stink. I don’t want my Dad to be be throwing the remote at my mom’s framed artwork at 9:23 am. I’ve missed many of these games by virtue of just not knowing they’re on, and they feel like exhibitions. This is now a Saturday where I’ll almost have to get to bed early to prepare myself. There’s a lot going on here for a team with a young QB still learning how to win. Tough one.

3-3

Week 7: Bye week. I love an earlier bye week for a young team that has won some games, but has a lot to learn. Everyone get healthy. Take your lady to a matinee and read as many Bears-related articles as possible later that night in bed.

Week 8: Love this early season stretch of mostly noon starts. Washington? Shout out to my friend who thought the Commanders played in the state of Washington until he graduated college. Just next-level stupid, hard-to-comprehend stuff. He’s getting a graduate degree this weekend. Dub.

4-3

Week 9: The Bears head into Arizona and get a DUB. And. Here. They. Come.

5-3

Week 10: New England, remember that one time we kicked your fucking ass two years ago? TB12 ain’t walking through that door. Another DUB.

6-3

Week 11: One of those special, special days here. The Bears go to 7-3, beating the Packers by two scores in the process. I just know it’s coming, I have chills typing this on May 16. DUB.

7-3

Week 12: GET UP is talking about whether the Bears are already contenders in Caleb Williams’ first year all week. Matt Eberflus is on the cover of Men’s Health. Vikings bring one of two bad quarterbacks into town and get spanked out of here. DUB.

8-3

Week 13: Thanksgiving. No one cares about anyone’s new jobs, the turkey, or who won the election a couple weeks prior. This, I’m afraid, feels like a tough one.

8-4

Week 14: At San Fransisco is a humbling moment. The Bears are reminded that they aren’t quite the crown jewel of the NFC yet. Tough one here, leading to a bit of a slide.

8-5

Week 15: Bears are going into Minnesota again this year on Monday night. I don’t think the Vikings will be horrible, and they surely won’t be incompetent. But I just have more faith in Sam Darnold than I do JJ McCarthy, and I don’t have much faith in the former. DUB.

9-5

Week 16: Just like when Justin Fields got his revenge on the Lions when they came to Chicago this year after a tough loss in Detroit. Bears. DUB.

10-5

Week 17: Short rest for a Thursday night game here. The Fourth Phase is going to be insane for this one, a game where you open up Instagram and everyone you know but you is at the game. DUB, with a special VICTORY FRIDAY to follow.

11-5

Week 18: Last week of the season in Green Bay feels like a situation where both teams have a lot at stake, perhaps even — dare I say it — the division. The magic can only hold on for so long. This one is listed as TBD, meaning it will for sure be the Sunday Night game if there is a lot at stake. Tough to beat Green Bay on the road and twice in one year, meaning this one is a “tough one.”

11-6

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I mean, is there any chance that the season doesn’t play out as exactly outlined above?

I read over it after and thought I’d change a win or loss there, but felt like I was about to adjust the matrix. No edits allowed, buddy. This is set in stone. And 11 wins should be enough to have us dancing into the postseason. I cannot wait for that five-game win streak in there.

To recap, we have four — or five — non-regularly scheduled games, with the Week 18 Green Bay game’s start time up in the air. That number is also dependent on whether you feel like a Thanksgiving game at this point is regular or irregular.

The most insane part of the schedule, by far, however, is the THREE games the Bears play in the 11-day stretch from Dec. 16 to Dec. 26. That seems like it should be illegal?

The Bears are traveling a league average amount of miles this year. By win total projections, they have the easiest schedule from weeks 1-10. The back half may be brutal, but I also imagine the Bears will be far better in Week 10 than they will be in Week 1.

Believe it or not, game lines are already out, too, and the Bears are favored in 10 of 17 games.

As I was combing through, I couldn’t help but think about the variable we know will be in play: Eberflus. If the Bears win less than 10 games this year, he should be fired.

I would feel embarrassed about how many words I just wrote about the Bears schedule in May if it wasn’t so much fun. Next year, I’m going to do the same thing, in the same format, for the Bulls and Cubs.

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The Cubs season has certainly felt like an uphill battle to this point. And, yes, it’s nice they are still five games over .500. But I’ve covered that angle plenty over the first two months of the season.

An uphill battle has remained an uphill battle because of these injuries. It’s always hard to (maybe?) have no one to blame, but the amount of IL stints this year is hard to fathom. Every time we get a guy back, someone else gets pulled from a game.

About half of the Cubs position players have missed time due to injury. Justin Steele missed extended time, as have Kyle Hendricks and Jordan Wicks. The bullpen alone has Merryweather, Almote, Alzolay (maybe hurt?), Smyly, Thompson and Palencia all on the IL.

(The Cubs have also definitely perfected the fake-injury, this-guy-needs-a-reset IL stint over the last few years.)

There’s been outstanding performances to make up for things elsewhere, but how long can that go on? The Braves series finale felt like the perfect game to get things back on track, but last night’s Pirates loss has turned this week into a deflating one overall.

The starting pitching staff still has one of the lowest ERAs in baseball, and I’m not yet worried about Steele. But playing bullpen whack-a-mole isn’t going to lead to more consistency there.

One of the only positions that hasn’t been handicapped by injuries is the catcher spot, and Miguel Amaya and Yan Gomes are good for a .523 OPS and .494 OPS, respectively.

Ian Happ has drawn so much ire from Cubs fans that I was happy to see him homer, and sad to see his rope down the line stopped at first. But, man, he better go on a heater here soon or he could be riding out a lot of the rest of his contract on the bench.

The Cubs former no. 1 prospect Brennen Davis, who has been cast off due to injuries and other prospects leaping him, is on a heater right now in the minors. He’s homered four straight days and has a .413 OBP. Whether that means anything for the big-league club, I don’t know. But I’d like to see the now 24-year-old get a chance.

Speaking of youngings, Pete Crow-Armstrong had an awesome game in the Braves finale, and I still am expecting him to be one of the most electric players in baseball in the next few years.

On his triple, he record the fastest home-to-third time of the season. He’s also tied for the lead — already! — in defensive runs saved in center field. The hitting will come, but he already has a league average OPS of .708.

The last three of this Pittsburgh series feel bigger than they should. It’s tough playing damage control every day.

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Because I trolled in the White Sox section last week, I have to acknowledge the wins this week, right?

The Sox look like they may have just enough to not be the worst team in the league. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing for the future of the team. You never know whether to root for respectability or embarrassment when it comes to Jerry Reinsforf-run teams. But you can take solace in the fact that it probably doesn’t matter either way.

They have won six of eight, after losing four or more games in a row on five separate occasions already this season.

Tommy Pham, for the love of god, is .319/.365/.464. Jokes have turned into a reality, he saved the season.

Korey Lee — the prize of last year’s Kendall Graveman trade — is slashing .309/.341/.494, which is a genuine and awesome sign for White Sox fans.

I still haven’t warmed to the new play-by-play guy, but he’s been aided by some decent baseball of late. SOUTH SIDE, STAND UP!

Here’s a pat on the head.

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THANK YOU for reading Still Gotta Come Through Chicago. Please comment below on where I got hypothetical wins and losses wrong, and I’ll see you next week.