Still Gotta Come Through Chicago

And Around We Go

Happy Friday Chicago!

The 7-11 clerk, after ringing me up today, said “no cookies today, brother?” No cookies today, brother. Those are for Sundays, when I voluntarily subject myself to predictable misery.

The NFL has camera in my apartment, and when I wake up on Sundays, they take bets on when I’m going to saunter over to the television and put on the NFL Europe game I said I wasn’t going to watch.

First they say, ‘Woof, he doesn’t look so good.’ Then they laugh maniacally as I turn on the Giants and Panthers at 8:30am. ‘We got him again boys.’ ‘And now it’s time for the Bears, he’s leaning up in his seat.’ They’re crying laughing.

But I know I’m not the only one that was watching Giants-Patriots over breakfast (Wingstop for me). And I got something to say to Rich Eisen, who was ass-kissing the country of Germany for about an hour straight. Relax man. It wasn’t that long ago… all I’m going to say.

The only bigger shill than Eisen on Sunday was Adam Schefter, who yet again promoting Oz The Mentalist’s latest tricks. That guy — Oz The Mentalist — has got to go. Now.

For those that don’t know, Oz The Mentalist is one of these magician types who either has a key code to everyone’s brains or is weird enough to act like he does. He makes videos with NFL teams — who think the videos are cute — and I watch them horrified.

I wouldn’t have been with Eisen and the Nazis in the 1940s, but I can tell you exactly where I would have landed historically in 1690s Salem, Massachusetts. Burn the witches, all of them. No time for a trial. Throw them into the water!

If Oz The Mentalist can tell what I’m thinking, I hope he can duck quickly enough when I see him.

It won’t take Ozzy to figure out what I’m going to do again this weekend, though. Wake up on Sunday, groan, stare at myself in the mirror and say ‘You will not let the Bears affect your mood today.’

First I’ve got to get there. Self-care Friday kicks off at 5pm, and I’ll be hitting the movies with mom shortly after. Young, Wild, and Free.

I’m going to order a Diet Coke (support local businesses) and then take the Caffeine Free Diet Coke out of my underwear and switch that into my cup in the bathroom stall (support sleepy time).

On Saturday — should I continue explaining my weekend? — I’m going to look around for the two forks that disappeared from my apartment, loudly saying to no one “I mean where could those forks have possibly gone? It’s like those darn socks…” like a hack comedian trying his hand at a bit.

Then, while others turn to Bears nihilism, I’ll turn back to my Bears masochism, waiting for those morons to turn another perfectly good weekend sour for me.

(I went with Chips Ahoy Chewys after last week’s game instead of Milanos. Horrible choice. One bad decision after another.)

Discussing the ridiculousness of sports fandom is about as cliche as the losing-your-socks bit at this point, but it’s really come into focus for me over the last couple of weeks.

It was summed up quite nicely and unintentionally by Florida’s athletic director the other week, in his announcing that football coach Billy Napier would not be losing his job.

“As we’ve seen these past several weeks, the young men on this team represent what it means to be a Gator,” Florida AD Scott Stricklin said in a letter to fans.

“What it means to be a Gator.” We are all so fucking stupid.

Let’s get into it.

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It’s Packer Week, again. And before we get into it, we’re going to take a step back — to Still Gotta Come Through Chicago after Week 1 and Week 18 of 2023, the two last times the Bears played Green Bay.

Week 18:

What a week, Bears fans. What a week. How silly, foolish, and childish we are. I, Sisyphus, and you, Sisyphus, rolled that rock up the hill with vigor last week, didn’t we? And it came right back down the hill faster than ever Sunday afternoon, didn’t it?

Week 1:

There’s some scientific evidence to suggest that after women give birth, they are biologically programmed to at least partly forget how awful the experience was soon thereafter. That clears the way for them to be convinced — by themselves or a partner — that they can and should go through that process again.

The human species can sustain itself based on that: our queens continuing to make that head-scratching decision to not drink coffee or alcohol for nine months while that baby grows; to sweat and shit to push that baby out; and then to recover like they tore up their knee hooping for weeks after, while that baby keeps them up all night, to boot.

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A Greek Mythology analogy about a man having to continually roll a boulder up and down a hill, over and over, and another analogy about pregnant women. That’s Packer Week.

What’s most maddening about the Bears is the same mistakes being made over and over. For instance, drafting a quarterback and then immediately firing a lame duck head coach a year later (we’ll likely do this three times in just seven years).

But also, here are some other excerpts from those Week 1 and Week 18 newsletters that are worth referring back to. They may sound familiar.

Week 18:

Every Bears coach was outcoached, which was very evident. It was evident enough, too, that a generally respectful Bears team expressed confusion and displeasure over the playcalling on both sides of the ball after the game.

D.J. Moore expressed more outward confusion about the offensive game plan, while Jaquon Brisker directly said he didn’t know why the Bears weren’t playing more press coverage in his post-game comments.

…

Getsy and the offensive staff will get thrown under the bus, everyone else, you’re safe.

And we’re back to square one! Shane Waldron, you’re out. Like Getsy (who has also been fired already by the Raiders), Waldron needed to go. He was obviously bad from the jump.

But yet again, it’s Waldron out — and everyone else safe. At least for now.

“I would say just probably he was too nice of a guy,” Keenan Allen said of Waldron. “I think during OTAs, training camp, he kind of fell into a trap of letting things go, not holding people accountable. Obviously those things lead to a slippery slope.”

The Bears also failed to execute the plan to fire Waldron until Tuesday, which is likely because they were weighing keeping him on staff, but revoking playcalling duties (only the Bears).

I later learned, too, that Ryan Poles, Matt Eberflus, and Waldron all have the same agent. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, and not another sign of the organization’s incompetence and laziness.

John Shoop. That was the first Bears offensive playcaller I remember getting thrashed at family parties. But over the last ten years, there’s really been some special characters.

Marc Trestman, 2013-14; Adam Gase, 2015; Dowell Loggains, 2016-17; Matt Nagy, 2018-20; Bill Lazor, 2020; Matt Nagy, 2021; Bill Lazor, 2021; Luke Getsy, 2022-23; Shane Waldron, 2024.

If I were Thomas Brown, I genuinely would have considered whether I wanted the job or not.

The Bears have not had a top 5 yardage offense since 1977, per ESPN’s Kevin Clark.

Back to Week 1, 2023:

All I could muster, over and over, were these words Sunday: “I just can’t believe it.” That was always countered, by me, immediately, saying, “But I guess I can believe it.”

What do you mean you can’t believe it, dude? You can’t believe the Packers kicked the shit out of the Bears? What is so unfathomable about that, you fucking moron?

It’s not as if after every Bears season I say “I’m done with this team.” I’m not that naive, but there is part of me that wants to be that guy in the bar that says, “I haven’t watched da Bears since ‘92 when the McCaskeys…” At least those guys stand for something.

Tom Brady’s favorite championship? The next one!

When I think about the worst Bears shit show of the last 20 years, it’s hard to actually find the right answer. That’s how many shit shows there’s been. And with that, what’s the worse one? The next one!

Trestman’s second year. Nagy’s last year. This year. I’m missing others. They’re all very, very worthy competitors.

In 2014, the Bears lost 51-23 to the Patriots, and Lamarr Houston tore his ACL celebrating a sack down 40. Then they got a bye to rest up, and then lost to the Packers 55-14 (down 42-0 at half).

Ten years later, the Bears are ready to take on their rivals after an embarrassing loss to a completely different Patriots team, a 2-7 one. The Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in their last 10 tries, and are 14-37 since the turn of the century.

Here we go Bears!

The Athletic’s Mike Sando reported this in his weekly column, to boot:

“Execs around the league think a Bears structure featuring an empowered, engaged team president (Kevin Warren) all but rules out the possibility Chicago would seek established power coaches.”

In essence, the Bears, who cannot find a way to consistently win, are not willing to do what it takes to win. And that is, in part, finding a coach worth a damn.

They didn’t think about Harbaugh this offseason (it’s hard for me to even watch the Chargers turnaround). Mike Vrabel is off the table. No, instead it’s “nice” guys like Eberflus, Nagy, and Trestman. The ballsiest hire was John Fox, who had just been fired, and immediately was replaced by a guy who won the Broncos the Super Bowl the following year.

That’s what makes resigning from Bears fandom practical. It’s not just that they fail over and over again. It’s that they will not change to reverse course. They have no interest in doing so, no matter what they say. Their actions show it.

So now Thomas Brown comes in, the poor guy. Caleb Williams already said that he hasn’t “had many conversations with Brown,” who prior to being the offensive coordinator was… the passing game coordinator? What exactly does a Bears game week look like?

On one end, that’s just generally concerning. On the other, in the short-term, at least it shows there might be a chance that Brown had absolutely zero to do with the Bears offense over the last nine games.

Brown is a weathered soldier, at least. He had to take over playcalling halfway into the Panthers season last year.

But Brown is also definitely well liked by players. He was voted as one of NFL players’ favorite assistants in an NFLPA poll prior to last season. Players have also expressed optimism this week.

Waldron appeared to be picking out of a hat to make every single playcall. Nothing made sense from a personnel perspective, nothing made sense based on the previous play.

If Brown can change just that, it’ll be a win. But he’s also been handed a tormented rookie quarterback, a disgruntled skills group, and a bad (and hurt) offensive line.

Justin Fields sacked nine times in first career start in Cleveland. Caleb Williams sacked nine times in his ninth start versus the Patriots. And around we go.

Given all of the information we have on the Bears, and all the information we have on this coaching staff, the blame falling — at all — on Caleb Williams is disheartening, but not surprising.

It’s what the owners want. Direct your ire at Williams! He’s who you want, not us.

Williams — against all odds, as is now apparent — played very well for a three-week stretch. And now he has looked completely lost in his last two games. Considering all the variables, it just makes no sense to me to be out on him at this point.

He needs a good playcaller, maybe *some time*, and the understanding that it’s fuck-it time. Don’t try to be a pocket passer, don’t try to avoid interceptions. Just play.

The Bears players vehemently denied the ridiculous report that anyone had asked for Tyson Bagent to start. I found it hard to believe in the first place.

Williams has been put in no position to succeed — even though we foolishly thought he was — and has still shown promise, at times. In retrospect, I view his good games under these circumstances more of note than his bad games.

The Bears are on the brink of ruining another quarterback. But he doesn’t have the structural problems the previous two had. I would say there’s hope for him, because I do think he has what it takes, but again, who is going to help him get to the other side? Thomas Brown? Eberflus? Or is Kevin Warren — that career moron — going to help us out?

There’s no offensive line to protect him. There was no culture to keep the Bears from a tailspin after “one play, one game” in Washington. And there’s no help on the way.

The Packers are only 5.5-point favorites this Sunday. How is that even possible?

Everyone says Eberflus needs to look in the mirror to find the problem. But I need to look in the mirror, too. The Bears will not ruin my Sunday again.

#BEARDOWN

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We’re going to have to get into some Bulls, Cubs, and Sox next week. Pain in another area may ease the acute pain here. Anyhow, thanks for reading another Still Gotta Come Through Chicago newsletter. See you next week! Comment below.