Still Gotta Come Through Chicago

Shaking Things Up

Happy Friday Chicago!

This newsletter was written on Wednesday, Dec. 18. Don’t hold any outdated information against me.

Continuing on last newsletter’s theme, I’m starting to like this idea of being the King of Everything.

I have a couple of late adds to my dictatorial agenda, however.

When I lived with roommates, they were the ones screaming bloody murder playing Fortnite, or Call of Duty, or whatever the “kids” play these days. Now, I have no roommates, and the guy that just moved next door to me also happens to be a cretin who screams bloody murder when he doesn’t get his way in the Metaverse.

I attract these people, and I want to figure out why. Lived in my parent’s house: my little brother’s shrieks woke me up. Lived with roommates: heard them screaming to each other, through microphones, while I sat in bed in the middle of those two rooms, deciding whether or not to be “rude” and tell them it was bedtime. Lived alone: the inbred next door is screaming at 11:30pm like he was actually shot.

There’s no draft anymore, I don’t have to go to war. Instead, I sit in the theoretical peace of an apartment building in the free U.S.A., with the only caveat being that I have to listen to others simulate war while I try to fall asleep. There are no atheists in fox holes, and there are no atheists in my bed when I pray for God to bring terror down on the shriekers that surround me.

I just needed to see what this neighbor of mine looks like. And finally, this week, I caught him. Close your eyes and guess the look of this fella.

Flip flops at noon on a weekday. Glasses. Beard, which hadn’t been trimmed in months, but wasn’t long, just unkempt. Overweight — seemingly not from genetics or just a caloric surplus, but from the strong forces of sedentary behavior instead. Heavy breather.

Basically the caricature of a gamer. The most reinforcement of a stereotype I’ve ever witnessed in real life.

I followed him to the elevator, where we both got on. Am I proud to say I stood up a bit taller and pulled my shoulders back to look more intimidating? No. But I needed to make my presence known, so that if I did have to bang on his door at midnight the next time he bled out in the Metaverse, he would find me to be someone worth paying attention to.

All of that is to say, we have a third target. The two women that were coughing on me in the airplane last week? Goners. My neighbor who yells at his video games, as if there’s no functional adults — or babies — in the building trying to sleep? Gone, and I’d make sure to keep his XBox running, to tell a story to whoever would be unlucky enough to find his doubly stinky body.

So let’s go over the agenda again. Bears, Cubs, Bulls, and sure, Sox and Blackhawks — all good. No more daylight savings time. But three people assassinated. Everyone still in?

I forgot one I wanted to add. We play “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” on large speakers throughout the city on Gamedays at 6:30am, like that creepy alarm they play in North Korea when the sun rises. I think that would get the community fired up, waking to the drum roll.

That got a little bit morbid there, but before we move on, I want to reiterate that I have no problem with grown men playing video games. A lot of my friends and family members are contributing members of society, and they, too, like a video game at night now and then.

I have weird hobbies, right? Letting grown men playing ball games on your television dictate your mood — ever — is a very strange thing. I’m aware of that.

It may just be a superiority complex. I don’t have a lot of my life in order, but at least I’m not playing video games.

It’s a lot like fat people who are ardently opposed to cigarette smoking.

(Stay with me here — I’ve been fat, not fat, a nicotine user, a non-nicotine user. My perspective is wide with this one.)

Fat people love to say they don’t smoke cigarettes. Like, I personally have never smoked a cigarette, but it’s not something I spend a lot of time thinking about, much less mentioning.

But, from my anecdotal experience, fat people love talking about the harm of cigarettes. I first realized this when — again, not trying to be offensive — my wildly overweight high school biology teacher talked about how bad cigarette smokers were non-stop. I vividly remember her talking about how it wasn’t any better if people were “social smokers.” That — she said — was just as bad.

I had no clue what she was talking about (whether it was about biology or cigarettes, frankly) but then I started to pick up on this trend more. I may be fat, which is bad for my health, but at least I’m not that — a cigarette smoker!

So, is that what this is? Do I look like looking down on people that play video games, because my 401k is not exactly in order? Because I own no property of my own?

Yeah, you may be well on your way to buying a house. You also play make believe that you’re Spider-Man.

Maybe that’s what this is: me building myself up by putting others down. My parents taught me better.

But maybe the video gaming community just needs to be better, maybe they need to lay out some ground rules for themselves. Some self governing. Self govern before the dictator comes in.

And perhaps my life has become too much of a regimented bore. Maybe it’s OK if I don’t get to bed at the same time every night, only to wake up at the same time every morning. Only to drink the same exact amount of coffee, and eat the exact same three meals.

This is also something I’ve been questioning. I think I’m in dire need of an off-kilter life moment or two. Something to thrust me into another way of living, if only briefly.

For instance, I’ve been dying to catch a fugitive recently. I’m looking at signs on the L that say “this is what child trafficking looks like.” The next line? “Don’t intervene yourself. Call 1-800…”

Yeah, right. You mean to tell me I’m going to leave this up to some bureaucratic process? Some guy on a phone line who’s just clocking in and out? No shot. I’m intervening.

You think I’m going to be a hero and have no one know? What’s the point of that? No, I need that to be on the ABC 7 News the next day.

Hero Ties Up, Disarms Child Trafficker On The Brown Line, Screams ‘Bear Down’ To Other Passengers

My life is so regimented now, in fact, that I’m losing perspective on who I am.

A friend had to tell me the other day that LeBron James mysteriously disappeared from the Lakers, stepping away without an explanation.

I don’t think you understand. Someone else informed me of potentially negative LeBron James news.

That could be a product of me stepping away from the social media machine, but LeBron James? My younger self would spit on me. I’ve left the front lines. I’ve abandoned my men.

As I near my fourth decade on earth, I’m reaching an inflection point. Do I want to be washed away by the soft pleasure of monotony, never feeling bad, but rarely feeling truly alive?

Or do I want to ride the rollercoaster of freedom? Do I want to dare to be different, to mix it up now and then? Do I want to smoke a cigarette, put it out on a gamer, say, ‘That’s for the fats,’ and get cancelled?

I have time to make that call, but not too much time. The trouble for all of us, in fact, is that we think we have time.

And with that, a breezy transition into the world of Chicago sports, which finally sprung out of monotony itself this past week.

Let’s go.

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Did the Vikings really coordinate a white-out to play the Bears? That may be more embarrassing than just being the Bears.

I’m about to go over just a few of the notes I took during the Bears ugly display on Monday Night Football. Bear in mind, many of these have nothing to do with football. At the same time, they have everything to do with football.

As you read through this, I want you to re-consider the head coaching options out there. Can the Bears afford a good football mind, but not someone who is a culture changer? No. They need both, or else they’re doomed. And that’s why the coaching search has turned into Mike Vrabel-or-bust for yours truly.

Let’s start with football.

A sweep to the short side of the field on fourth down in your own territory?

Joe Buck said the Bears are “completely eliminated from any playoff contention.” That seemed harsh, and it also seemed like he was talking directly to me, on my couch. Did anyone else hear him say that, or was it just God, through Joe Buck, telling me to get a life?

I hate Caleb Williams design runs. He’s evasive and a good runner, but let’s live to fight another year, please.

Kiran Amegadjie may have had the worst performance an offensive lineman has ever put on tape in the NFL. There’s a lot of blame to go around there. Five penalties. No help from a back or a tight end on third downs. His first NFL start, at left tackle. But man, it doesn’t get any worse than that.

On top of that, why do the Bears — the ones responsible for stopping it — always seem to be the only ones who don’t know a jailbreak pass rush is coming?

Kyler Gordon could have taken Sam Darnold’s head off on a blitz, but ultimately let up and didn’t even sack him. At least you could tell Montez Sweat wanted to hurt someone.

Tremaine Edmunds loves standing up straight, then struggling to tackle guys half his size nine yards down the field.

Now, let’s get into some of the nitty gritty, some of the shameful and humiliating stuff that we saw during that game.

The Bears don’t know when a jailbreak is coming, while everyone else does. They’re also apparently blind to yellow laundry being on the field. I think they set the record for celebrations while a penalty flag is on the turf — clearly against them — on Monday.

Tyrique Stevenson celebrated a fourth-down interception for about five minutes, and there’s just no shot he realized at any point that if he didn’t intercept it, the Bears still would have had the ball — at better field position.

As the Bears were celebrating that interception — in the end zone, as a group — they were mockingly doing the “SKOL” celebration at the Minnesota fans. In disbelief, my eyes winced. What is going on? The Bears were down 10, 4-9, and antagonizing the crowd over a 4th down stop in their own territory.

Need Mike Vrabel.

In one of the plays in which the Bears celebrated for too long, with a penalty flag clearly visible behind them, Montez Sweat was dancing over a sack he made in part because he lined up offsides.

We must also resurface Kiran Amegadjie’s penalties, which got increasingly funny by the number. Each one added more juice to the circus.

The Bears also celebrated a solid punt return from Josh Blackwell for about 45 seconds, with everyone in the stadium and at home already watching the refs walk the ball back to where it belonged due to an illegal block. Do we not have one coach who can say, ‘Fellas, there’s a flag. Stop dancing.’

Need Mike Vrabel.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor will Rome Odunze be. But catch the fucking ball, man. Particularly when your quarterback throws it into your hands in the end zone.

Keenan Allen, cool sideline grab. Let’s focus on the simpler catches.

The Bears score! Play that theme song! Ah, the offensive lineman we put in as fullback — who also fumbled a ball earlier in the season at that position, costing us a game — did not report. No touchdown.

D.J. Moore, frustrated a penalty was not called, took off his gloves and threw them into the end zone. That’s bad enough. What’s worse is he went to pick them up after, as a Vikings player and the ref grabbed them on his behalf.

“Do you feel better now buddy, after your temper tantrum?”

The Bears also reportedly forgot to iron the “C” for Captain on Jaylon Johnson’s jersey before the game.

And around and ‘round we go.

We need Mike Vrabel.

I think Caleb Williams will be great, though he didn’t play well. I think Rome Odunze will be good, though he didn’t play well.

I even think the Bears are somewhat talented, and they have cap space and draft capital to use this offseason.

But the details above don’t reflect a lack of talent, they reflect organizational rot. And that rot has been here long before Thomas Brown got here (God bless that poor guy), and will be here long after him.

That’s, unless, the Bears get this hire right.

I think the Bears have their quarterback. I think the Bears have flexibility to become more talented, particularly in the trenches, this offseason.

If the Bears get this coaching hire right, I think — nothing is ever a sure thing — the Bears will have enough good in place to break the inertia that is their regular state.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it many more times before the head coaching hire is made.

The Bulls are as bad of an organization as the Bears. But they lucked out on Jordan, and they lucked out on Derrick Rose. In basketball, lucking into those players alone was enough to break through the Bulls organizational mess.

I have no faith in Kevin Warren, no faith in the McCaskeys. If they fall ass backwards into Vrabel, however, I genuinely believe there will be enough good in the organization to break through the mounds and mounds of bad.

It all starts with the details above. The next offensive guru could have the best game script ever written. But if he can’t stop guys from doing “SKOL” at the fans down 10, none of it will matter.

#BEARDOWN

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At least the Cubs are doing something. This was precisely the spice I needed in my life to get the juices flowing enough to write something interesting this week. (Or at least write about something interesting.)

I loved the first move, hated the second. But I’ve had time to reflect on both, and what each trade may mean in terms of what’s next.

First, the Cubs traded Isaac Paredes, Hayden Wesneski and a top prospect in Cam Smith for the three-time All Star, World Series Winner Kyle Tucker.

Before anything else, the Cubs finally have gone out and gotten a bonafide star. A guy who has hit 30 home runs, and not just a guy who could hit pretty well if everything goes right, hopefully leading the Cubs to 88 wins, but also maybe 84 wins.

That’s a win for Cubs fans, and maybe it’s because Jed Hoyer finally feels some heat under his ass, and doesn’t want think he can play computer GM anymore.

Tucker is right away the Cubs best player, and you know what that means? The rest of the Cubs good players can be just that — good — without the pressure from us and others of trying to be more than they are. I like Nico Hoerner, Dansby Swanson and Seiya Suzuki a lot more when they’re important players, and not necessarily marquee players.

Before Tucker got hurt last year (by hitting a ball off his shin, no soft tissue nonsense), he was having the best year of his career. He had a .408 OBP at that point, and a .585 slugging percentage. Right near that coveted, superstar mark of a 1.0 OPS that is common in the lineups of the best teams. He was hitting 83% better than league average.

It also wasn’t a one-off, he’s been good to great every year since 2019. He’s also only 27.

He’s a fine fielder, and with Pete Crow-Armstrong in center field, I’m frankly not all too worried about our corner outfielders being defensive stalwarts for the foreseeable future.

The caveat is that Tucker only has one year of control. If the Cubs don’t sign him to a long-term deal, this trade is a fail. But I don’t think this deal is done — or the Cody Bellinger deal is done — if the Cubs don’t believe they’ll sign him long term.

That will be a pricy deal, but who cares? The Cubs have the money, and they have to spend it if they want to be competitive in the modern day MLB.

As for the return, Paredes struggled with the Cubs, and ultimately had too much risk attached to him for me to be devastated over losing him. The Cubs probably think they’ll fill third base with a better player in the near-term future, and that will likely be the 23-year-old Matt Shaw, their top prospect.

Paredes’ pull happiness was troubling, and I don’t think that was going to bode well with the Cubs moving forward.

Wesneski was hit or miss, and frankly is a dime a dozen pitcher.

The biggest part of the deal was parting ways with Cam Smith, the Cubs latest first-round draft pick who tore it up in the minors last year. From my vantage point, the Cubs farm system is great — you have to part ways with some of these guys eventually, and you haven’t made a dent in the playoffs in close to a decade.

Losing Smith hurts if Tucker isn’t re-signed. If he is, it’s a necessary casualty of going big-game hunting.

Cody Bellinger was also traded, with cash, to the Yankees for pitcher Cody Poteet, but Poteet is not the point of this deal.

The Cubs clearly thought Bellinger was an expensive redundancy. They have an everyday centerfielder and first baseman, both coming cheap, in Armstrong and Michael Busch, respectively.

Bellinger also has an opt out clause again after next year, meaning if he plays well enough, he’s gone with no return.

I initially winced at the deal for a couple of reasons. I like Bellinger, and he’s played well for the Cubs, even in an off year like last year. He can play multiple positions and he’s a good fielder. The Cubs also moving around money to justify playing other players just pisses me off. There’s no cap, you can pay Tucker and Bellinger.

At the same time, you could argue the above theory holds here too. There’s only 9 spots in the lineup, and having 15 good players on a given day doesn’t do you much.

If it’s an either-or proposition, signing Tucker is more important than keeping Bellinger as an expensive utility man. The Cubs will ultimately save over $20 million next year by getting rid of him.

Poteet isn’t anything to write home about, but he did have a 2.22 ERA last year with the Yankees as a spot starter. He’s another decent arm, either for those spot starts or for shoring up the bullpen from the get go.

I’m curious what else the Cubs do this offseason. Again, both deals are soured, in my mind, if Tucker isn’t extended.

I like where the Cubs are heading. I understand the Bellinger trade, even if I don’t love parting ways with one of your best hitters. I love going to get a star.

It comes down to proactivity versus reactivity to me. The Chicago Cubs need to start acting like a big market team, and they showed signs that they were willing to this week, even if it was with some frugality.

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Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, my dear readers! Thank you so much for reading another edition of Still Gotta Come Through Chicago, and don’t forget to tell a friend to subscribe. Comment below, and we’ll talk soon.