Happy Friday Chicago!
Lots of jokes this week with a drought-stricken Chicagoland about Dads and their insatiable need to say, “We needed this” when it does eventually rain. I said that to my Dad this week during the rain as a joke, and (again, insatiable), he just said back, “But seriously, we did need it.”
Also, apparently a lack of rain makes allergies worse for “sensitive types.”
I’m “woke” on allergies and “sensitive types” these days. I am a sensitive type. On Monday and Tuesday, my allergies made me come to grips with the fact that I would be a completely useless village member hundreds of years ago.
We can’t go to war, chief, because I can barely see and feel drunk because the flowers are blooming. The sniffles and itchy eyes are unbearable. I know you gave the whole speech about burning the boats, but we can’t burn the boats because 1. we need to go home so I can lay in bed and 2. the smoke may make things worse for the sensitive types among the troops.
But I never had allergies until like four years ago. I have family members who all of a sudden have allergies that never did before. Almost everyone I know has allergies at some point of the year. My brother almost died because he ate an almond, a nut the size of your finger nail.
Are you telling me people died from anaphylaxis back in the day? Bullshit.
What happened to Leonidas, God of War? I don’t know… we got back, he ate a few almonds, and then just died.
What is going on with these allergic reactions? Are the pharmacy companies putting chemicals in the air to get Claritin to fly off the shelves? (Half of you are beginning to nod). Is it climate change? (That half just stopped nodding).
I don’t know, but we did need that rain. Because before it, I was far less worried about guns on the street in Chicago than I was floating Salicaceae tree seeds. I was ready to get my picket sign and stomp around Clark Street yelling “Protect Sensitive Types! Not Salicaceae trees!”
Some of you may have noticed I used the word woke. It’s definitely overused. It began with millenials, trickled into Gen Z, and now the baby boomers are saying it with disgust. But, just like “we needed this,” old people have their sayings, too. They act like they don’t, but their vocabulary is ever-shrinking and they grab onto a few words and hold on for dear life.
The people born after you suck, and the people born after those people suck to them. That’s just how it works. And it often manifests in debates and fights about … words.
But I noticed that there’s a word all adults too invested in politics say these days. Generally we point out the younger generations’ dumb, made up words, but the older folks have co-opted one word that they just can’t get enough of.
Criminal.
What is our definition of criminal these days?
The people that read 12 books about the case for Donald Trump’s impeachment — you can’t get that time back, man — say it. Criminal. He’s a criminal! He’s also a criminal. Criminal!
And the people who spend their days searching for Tucker Carlson’s new Twitter show so they have something to do at night, they also say it. She’s a criminal. He’s a criminal! Criminal!
Can we get these people to shut up? Can we get them to stop saying criminal if we get some of the younger people to tame down adding new words into the American lexicon? Because I think criminals at large are starting to like the idea of everyone being called a criminal.
The better solution is probably for me to get off social media so I’m just hearing “criminal” in everyday life, not also from the thoughts of 3,000 different strangers virtually.
But if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to verify that Seiya Suzuki has been the victim of dozens of unjust called third strikes since he joined the Cubs last year. I wouldn’t know that Zion Williamson had a baby with a porn star and cheated on her, or something like that. And what would I do without that info? Maybe die?
I won’t die from these allergies, though. I’m a goddamn warrior. And also, because it means spring is here, which means summer is near. But summer being near also means that there will be nothing to watch besides the shitty White Sox and shitty Cubs. But summer also means that football isn’t that far away…
Alright, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m just so excited to travel to USC in two years and watch the Iowa Hawkeyes beat the fuck out of the Trojans 16-14. (When they played in 2019 Iowa won 49-24, lest you forget.)
It feels good to be back, typing nonsense. Thanks for indulging. Now let’s get to it.
I’m mostly happy the Sox have been playing well — “well” doing a lot of work — because it will be a complete crime against Chicago humanity if the Sox and the Cubs are both just awful again this year.
It’s hard to say it’s miserable being a Chicago sports fan, but only when you juxtapose yourself with, say, Detroit fans or Minnesota fans. But I don’t even think there’s wide gaps there anymore, unless you are counting the 2016 Cubs — now seven! years ago — and the Blackhawks’ somewhat recent success.
Since 2000…
The Cubs have made the playoffs eight times in 22 tries. That’s a 36% hit rate.
The Sox have made the playoffs five times. That’s a 23% hit rate.
Each have won one World Series. The White Sox haven’t won a playoff series since they won the World Series in 2005. The Cubs haven’t won a series since they went to the NLCS the year after they won the World Series.
The Bulls have made the playoffs (the actual playoffs) 12 times. If you count the ‘99-00 season, that’s a 50% hit rate in a league where half of the teams make it there. Over the last few years, you can be the 10th best team in your conference out of 15 and theoretically make it! Just 50% for the Bulls, who, worse yet, have only made one Eastern Conference Final in that span. Every team has done that at least once, except for the Hornets.
The Bears have made the playoffs just six times since the century turned. That’s a 26% hit rate. They have one of the longest playoff win droughts in the NFL. They haven’t won a postseason game since 2010. That’s only behind these world-beaters for the longest droughts: Detroit, Miami, Las Vegas/Oakland, Washington, and New York (Jets).
Thursday was the 25th anniversary of this SI cover.
At least the White Sox are within four games of first place, right?
Never mind that they are eight games below .500 having played less than 40% of the season. Never mind that they would be 17.5 games back in the AL East. Never mind that they’d be 13.5 back in the AL West.
They are in the hunt, baby.
But, don’t even murmur “You know, the Sox are only X games back…” Don’t even blink while you’re watching a game. Because, if you do, that’s enough time — whether two seconds or less than one — for a Sox player to have gotten hurt. As I was finishing the paragraph directly above, I looked up and Eloy Jimenez was being looked at by trainers on the field.
(Edit: he’s day to day with a lower left leg strain.)
Holy shit, now Moncada came up limp running a ball out to first base. I can’t tell if he’s using that as an excuse to not have made it a close play in the ninth inning of a close game or a real injury, but if that isn’t modern-day Sox baseball, I don’t know what is. At least he looked like he was running fast with that sleek neon green baseball sleeve on.
In my last newsletter, I wrote about how the Sox are a game of whack-a-mole. That has continued. Once someone starts playing well, someone else gets hurt. Once someone starts turning it around, someone else starts slumping. It’s incredible.
In the eight games since Eloy’s last three-week absence, he’s been average. Going into Thursday’s double header against the Yankees, he was slashing .258/.294/.419 since he’s been back. But he had two hits in the series finale against the Tigers and homered in Game 1 Thursday. After another hit in Game 2, he comes up limp. That familiar grimace has got to haunt White Sox fans’ dreams.
Meanwhile, Mike Clevinger somehow survived the first few innings without a run surrendered in Game 2. Then, after a double in which he thought the runner was tagged out at second (it was overturned upon review), he predictably gave up a bomb a pitch later.
It seems to be the case with every White Sox pitcher. One sign of adversity and everything unravels. Can we pay for a Sports Psychologist, Jerry?
Giolito pitched great Wednesday, and has now racked up seven quality starts. But you never know when his season — or start — is going to turn for the worse, either. He is the most reliable of a completely unreliable pitching staff.
The Sox best hitter — by far — is Jake Burger. He has a better OPS by about 100 points than any other player in the lineup day in, day out. The highest Pedro Grifol can bat him, though, is like 6th or 7th.
I really need to rally around this team, because the Cubs — well, we’ll get to them — they’re unlikely to be playing meaningful baseball come September. I need some sort of juice for this newsletter other than random intros about allergies or LeBron James.
But I just can’t do it. I hate the Sox. I don’t hate them because they’re the Sox, I don’t hate them because I’m a Cubs fan.
I hate them for who they are: A pitching staff full of mental midgets; a manager that inspires no confidence; a group of hitters that is either disinterested, hurt, or both — with no plate discipline, may I add; and zero young, fun talent.
Updated streaking for the Cubbies: Since their 12-7 start, they are 14-29.
The only time they seem to have a chance of late is when Marcus Stroman is on the bump. Despite the above record, the Cubs are 4-0 in his last four starts. He has pitched 29 innings in those four starts, allowed just one homer and 12 hits, and has an ERA of 0.93.
Every other day, it’s better to not turn the game on. I’ve learned that the hard way — over and over, so not really learning — during this West Coast road trip. Staying up until past midnight just to watch the Cubs blow four-run leads.
Outside of Stroman, not much has been going well.
Christopher Morel still has an incredible .953 OPS. What’s even more incredible about that is that he has one hit since May 24th.
Matt Mervis is hitting .176 and has just two home runs.
The last thing I wanted to be writing at this point in the season is what I’m about to: If the Cubs are going to suck, you may as well let these young guys figure things out on the fly. Let them get at bats, see pitches. There’s not a lot of better options anyway, and you need them to either work through it or find out they can’t work through it and address that in the offseason.
*Time to tap the Miguel Amaya sign*. Get Tucker Barnhart the. fuck. out. of. here. He’s hitting .156 with zero homers. He has never been good at hitting. I don’t care if Stroman likes pitching to him (he pitches fine to everyone else), you cannot have that big of a hole in your lineup.
Amaya, meanwhile, has been great of late. He’s had a long road to the majors and deserves to be here. He’s a good catcher and is slashing .292/ .419/ .417 and already added another hit Thursday night. Like the above players, major league pitching may catch up to him. But that won’t make him any less young than Barnhart. And it will only make him better than him, and not a lot better than him, like he is right now.
The only other bright spot is Seiya Suzuki, who continues to hit well and is now even hitting breaking balls better — his achilles heel last year. He’s at an over .270 average and has an about .800 OPS.
That’s with the aforementioned bad calls. Suzuki’s biggest issue (other than breaking balls) is his incredible eye matched with bad umpiring. Since he entered the league, he has had the second-most strikes (that were balls) called on him in the league, according to The Tribune’s Meghan Montemurro.
Thank you for reading today’s newsletter! I appreciate it every time you do.
Leave a comment, share it, and I’ll see you all next week!