Still Gotta Come Through Chicago

Bears OC Search; Bulls 'Ring of Honor'

Happy Friday Chicago! Welcome back.

Death. Taxes. Remote workers, who step outside one time per week to get into an Uber, complaining about the cold.

Hope you all survived, and hopefully those extra frozen pizzas you bought at Jewel-Osco to prepare for that cold — for some reason — came in handy.

But, hey, who am I to get in the way of an odd excuse to grab a couple of Home Run Inn pies.

Instead of complaining about the cold, though, I walked through it like a man today in lieu of taking an Uber. Guess who’s got an extra $8 in the checking account?

Not me, because I turned around and donated $200 upon returning home to Iowa’s Name-Image-Likeness fund “Swarm” so my Hawkeyes could catch up on recruiting. We got an Alabama transfer considering making Iowa City his next stop. That’s when the big donors like me step up.

At Iowa, we don’t have the oil or tech money, but we do have a little blogger dough. We’re like Bernie Sanders: grassroots effort, baby. $20 here and $20 there and all of a sudden we’re coming in second place again. I’ll take it.

Now that I have officially donated to Iowa football’s recruiting and retention causes, I do have some stipulations, all of which I detailed in a lengthy email to the NIL collective’s CEO. I also CC’d the athletic director and the university president, who may or may not remember me as the president of a fraternity that was thrown off campus in disgrace.

No. 1: No one can ever tell me not to say “we” again. Those are my dollars being put to work out there. That first down? Thank the offensive line, thank the running back, and thank me.

No. 2: I want to see where my money is going, like when you donate to an elephant fund and get assigned one with a name. I may even want the webcam on my recruit so I can see what he’s up to in the weight room. I’ll send him some condoms, too, during the winter. “Stay safe out there kiddo, sincerely your NIL sponsor ;)”

No 3: If I notice he’s not turning his hips quick enough on film, I should have a direct line to him to let him know. He’s been watching football for a decade, I’ve been watching it for two. Let me bend the kid’s ear a bit. If he needs more counseling, I’m happy to go to a local park and shoot some footage of good hip torque.

No. 4: If he is interviewed after a win, I would like a Thank You. Jesus can come first, that’s no problem. I’d like to be third behind family, though, and second if his family is not over-the-top supportive like me.

If I start seeing results, I’ll delete Uber off my phone entirely, set my heat to off in the winter, and potentially start selling drugs to up my donation to $1,200.

Now, the next thing I need is for the McCaskeys to set up a fund, too. You’re telling me those poor bastards couldn’t crowd raise $20 from a million people to make room for some better head coach and assistant coach hirings? Put the link out there, George, and let me see what I can do to help you.

The Bears are already luring me in, as I predicted last week, with a potential offensive coordinator hire. The Bulls just beat the Raptors to improve to 20-23, but it was Game 7 in my apartment. A new company is leaving the city limits every week, but the White Sox are here to fill the void with a new stadium that we’ll pay for!

I’ve told three people this week I don’t have the bandwidth to discuss Justin Fields vs. Caleb Williams debates. That’s boundaries + knowing my limits, ladies and gents. Do we Stan a mentally healthy King?

Let’s get into it.

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I will say this about the Bears. For the first time in a long time, I watched the first round of the playoffs and didn’t think “the team I root for is just nowhere near this.” Some cold weather may have brought play down a little, but I certainly didn’t feel like teams had that much more talent than the Bears did. Some better situational play calling, sure, but not so much so that they looked like D-1 teams compared to our 1-AA squad.

Contrast that with watching the Nuggets or Celtics in the playoffs and thinking, “Well, I guess watching the Bulls in the play-in tournament that was invented three years ago does get the blood pumping a little bit.”

Any fleeting sense of joy that came from that observation, however, was quickly squashed by the head coach interview announcements across the league. Jim Harbaugh interviewed with at least two NFL teams this past week, mere days after our general manager said he didn’t talk to him because “he’s the head coach of Michigan.” Just an embarrassing enterprise, through and through.

What about Ben Johnson, the architect behind an offense competent enough to lift the Lions out of a playoff drought that lasted more than three decades? Nah. (By the way, the Bears are now tied for the fourth-longest playoff win drought at 13 years. While tied with the Jets, only the Dolphins, Raiders and Commanders have longer dry stretches.)

What about the Texans offensive coordinator Bobby Slowick, who is the coach of the league’s best one-year turnaround team and behind the play calls for a guy in C.J. Stroud that every Bears fan is swooning over? Nope.

No interview for Mike Vrabel, either. And he’s currently no one’s coach.

No interview for Harbaugh, Belichick (or Pete Carroll) with the league’s oldest franchise, we’re good. Three of the best coaches in football history don’t quite meet our criteria around here.

Big Matt Eberflus does, however. Ready, Set, H.I.T.S!

The only thing that made these announcements worse was me simultaneously reading in a Nick Saban biography that he wanted to leave LSU for the Bears, but that the Bears, of course, lowballed him with an offer through his friend Jerry Angelo (the Bears GM at the time). I was not expecting that stray while enjoying some reading time before bed. Reading turned into a less relaxing activity: staring at the ceiling.

But, we are stuck with Flus, who by the day looks more and more like the alcoholic who took over coaching duties from Gene Hackman in “Hoosiers.”

I’ve tried to maintain my distance, but to some extent, my Stockholm Syndrome has lured me into the offensive coordinator search. It’s all we got, give me a break.

Apologies if I’m missing someone here, but up until now, this appears to be the list of offensive coordinator candidates the Bears have interviewed (or plan to interview):

— Zac Robinson, the Rams quarterbacks coach

— Marcus Brady, a senior offensive assistant with the Eagles

— Thomas Brown, the Panthers offensive coordinator last season

— Greg Roman, the Ravens former offensive coordinator

— Greg Olson, the Seahawks quarterbacks coach last season (not the former tight end)

— Shane Waldron, the Seahawks offensive coordinator last season

— Liam Cohen, Kentucky’s offensive coordinator

— Klint Kubiak, the 49ers passing game coordinator

— Kliff Kingsbury, USC’s quarterbacks coach

That list is likely close to final, and it appears the Bears are being exhaustive in their search and leaving no stones unturned. If only they would do that, in, I don’t know, every other situation, that would be great.

It pains me to say that this list absolutely fucking rules.

Let’s start with who I don’t want. That’s an easier exercise.

Marcus Brady was on the offensive staff of an Eagles team that completely collapsed this year after Shane Steichen left to take a head coaching job. That alone would make me queasy. But, worse yet, he was with the Colts for years before that. I don’t want a guy that Eberflus just likes taking the reins.

Greg Olson has offensive coordinator experience, but just doesn’t do much for me. His only redeeming trait as OC of the Bears would be looking like the evil version of Eberflus.

If the Bears hired Greg Roman, I’d be left wanting more. Roman has tons of experience and has had a great coaching career. But the Ravens moved on from him for a reason, and I know Baltimore fans were happy to see him go. This sort of feels to me like a Chuck Pagano hire, where you’re chasing an older coach who’s done it and has some flaws instead of an innovative up-and-comer who will hopefully drastically improve the offense and move onto better things in two to three years. I want one of our assistants to be viewed that way again.

Everyone else on that list would be a good hire, at least from what I can tell, which is much less than the Bears can tell (I hope).

Robinson has been on the Rams staff for years under McVay. He played quarterback in the league. Then he coached quarterbacks privately, which I think is a huge asset. He worked for PFF on football analytics. Since, he’s been working his way up in the Rams organization. He is also the passing game coordinator.

Brown coached one of the worst offenses in the league this year with the Panthers, but did not have much to work with. He was also voted as one of NFL players’ favorite assistants in an NFLPA poll prior to the season. He’s down on the list for me, but that’s still worth noting.

Shane Waldron is a solid candidate. He’s in an odd situation: the Seahawks have performed well, and his offense has performed well, but he’s out of a job after the Seahawks decided to move on from Pete Carroll. The Seahawks have been 7th, 12th and 13th in offensive DVOA underneath his watch. He’s a mix of an up-and-comer and a guy that’s done it before, if we’re wary of another Luke Getsy situation.

Cohen is also from the McVay tree. He had been with the Rams in multiple roles over the past five years prior to taking the Kentucky offensive coordinator job.

Klint Kubiak is Gary Kubiak’s son and is a part of, obviously, the Shanahan tree. Previously, he was with the Vikings and Broncos. I’m concerned about this one as a “had a cup of coffee with Shanahan, so he must know something” hire. I think looking for the next McVay or Shanahan is smart — to a point.

Finally, there’s Kingsbury. He gets clowned on a lot, for what reason I’m not so sure. He wasn’t a great head coach at Texas Tech or with the Arizona Cardinals, but it’s a good thing he doesn’t need to be with Matty Fresh at the helm. He’s clearly an above-average quarterback coach — something we desperately need. He’s worked with Pat Mahomes, Johnny Manziel, Kyler Murray, and, perhaps most importantly, Caleb Williams.

If he’s hired, you can probably guess what the Bears are going to do with the no. 1 overall pick.

I think Kingsbury is a good coach and a great offensive mind. I think he’d, in most situations, work well with Eberflus. But I am a little concerned that if he and Williams come into the fold, there will be a massive division between Eberflus and the defense and Kingsbury, Williams and the offense.

All of this could be avoided, of course, if we had a more experienced head coach. But we don’t, so that’s the sort of concern that inevitably comes to mind.

Either way, as many people have noted, a Kingsbury interview is good due diligence on the Caleb Williams front as well.

Basically, there’s: six or so guys I wouldn’t mind hiring; three or four guys I’d love to hire; and three or so guys I don’t want to hire. You know what that means.

Hopefully, when we get an answer here next week, it will lead to delusional optimism and not miserable and total devastation.

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The worst-case scenario for the made up “ring of honor” ceremony last week came to fruition. A few brief thoughts on that before we get into actual basketball.

The people that booed a dead Jerry Krause as he was being honored for his contributions to the Bulls championship teams are subhuman morons.

Guess what? There are subhuman morons at every single sporting event that takes place across the country every week. That should be a surprise to no one. Is it Michael Jordan’s fault because he didn’t get along with Krause and said so in “The Last Dance”? Of course not. Anyone who believes that lacks critical thinking skills.

The worst part was that Thelma Krause, Jerry’s widow, was in attendance. They showed her crying as people booed. It personally sounded to me like the non-subhumans eventually won out with cheers over the boos, but I also wasn’t in the building. The damage was done, either way.

The Bulls should have gotten assurance that Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen would be there. They didn’t. The Bulls should have introduced Thelma before they showed Jerry — so maybe even the subhumans could let an ounce of empathy crawl into their inactive brains — but they didn’t. If Jordan was there, he easily could have eased tensions beforehand and thanked Krause, which I’m sure he would have been willing to do with Thelma there.

Jerry Krause was booed when he was alive in the United Center. He was also booed last week. The Bulls should have found ways to mitigate, instead of hoping 20,000 people would be on their best behavior.

If you are placing the blame here on Chicago, or on Michael Jordan, or, god forbid, on Jerry Krause, you’re letting the Bulls off the hook. This was an avoidable issue that they walked right into.

Yes, in a perfect world, no one would act like an idiot at sporting events. If you can find a way to get us to that point, a Nobel Peace Prize awaits you.

Moving on to the other dysfunction.

Zach LaVine rolled his ankle last week, which is exactly why I didn’t want the Bulls trotting him out there for no god damn reason in the first place. Anything that hurts his trade value is a massive misstep for the Bulls, and last night’s injury did just that.

I think there are plenty of teams that would trade fine packages for LaVine before the deadline. They can’t do that if he’s hurt, something the braindead idiots in the Bulls front office don’t seem to understand.

Despite being a middling team throughout the past three years, the Bulls have made the least amount of trades over that time. Continuity is a good tertiary goal, but winning and building for the future should be first and second.

The Raptors have traded away two good players over the past two weeks and yielded significant returns. They almost beat the Bulls tonight.

Meanwhile, the Pacers and Knicks received OG Anunoby and Pascal Siakam. They went from playoff teams to teams that have a legitimate shot at the Eastern Conference Finals.

The Bulls, all the while, have stood pat for now.

The best-case scenario for this Bulls team is to have an active, fruitful deadline that includes trading three or four of their veteran players, and then to compete for a playoff spot the rest of the way with young and budding players. Both can be achieved.

On the court, where we’ll separate things from the overarching view of the organization, the Bulls continue to play like a team capable of surpassing the .500 mark by late January or early February.

But even with Coby White and Alex Caruso having career years from behind the arc (based on volume and percentage), the Bulls are still severely lacking in three-point shooting. There are games they simply can’t compete in because of the three-point disparity.

It doesn’t help that Nikola Vucevic, on the other end, is having his worst year from three, and also doesn’t seem to have a real formula on when he decides to take them and when he decides not to take them.

The Bulls were 6-24 from three last night. They won because they fortunately were playing a team that shot 10-38. The amount of shots behind the arc is not where it needs to be, and the rate at which they’re making those shots, of course, is nowhere near it needs to be.

On the year, the Bulls are shooting about 35.8% from three, which is around 20th in the league. But the worse mark is their attempts. They’re 22nd in attempts. Both of those numbers will continue falling if they continue to approach games like they have been over the last few.

In the loss against the Cavs this week, they shot 9-32 from three. The Cavs nearly doubled both numbers, shooting 20-57 from three. It’s just an uphill battle.

The Bulls are not good enough to overcome that basic math problem.

What they did get right in last night’s game, thank God, is the final minutes. Finally, the Bulls went with Coby White as the closer instead of relying on DeMar DeRozan to shoot awful, contested, long 2-pointers. He delivered, multiple times.

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Thanks for reading another newsletter. As always, I appreciate it. Next week, I’ll take a stab at the White Sox stadium plans. Have a great weekend.